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I don’t actually have a fear of insects. I don’t like ants and flies disgust me, but I have no fear of these creatures. This said I strongly, strongly dislike when they invade my home. We have no screens on our doors and we don’t have storm doors. That means that any time one of the outside doors is opened even a millimeter some kind of winged insect find its way through the crack. Every time I look up at our ceiling I see a new moth perched in some corner. The worst, the absolute worse, is when a fly buzzes incessantly around my head driving me to the very brink of insanity.

The bizarre thing is that I seem to be the only person who notices these bugs. Tonight, I kept shouting at my husband, “NOW! Do you hear the buzzing? It’s happening RIGHT NOW!” He just shook his head and drifted back off to sleep. I even nudged him awake at one point, “BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t you hear it? AH! It’s making me insane.” He simply grunted. If the cats and the dog were not leaping around the room in hot pursuit of the flies, I may actually have started to question my sanity.

Even when he’s not half asleep (or completely asleep), he seems to not notice them. I draw my husband’s attention to the seventeen hundred million moths that have taken residence in our home, feeding on my curtains and wool sweaters, and he nods and grimaces. While he may admit to them bothering him, they do not consume 100% of his thoughts 45% of the time like they do me.

HOWEVER, if there are spiders, he can’t be in the same room. (Hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com put it perfectly in this post.) It is a trait of The Brothers Korossy. Neither my husband nor his two brothers can be near a spider. They immediately assume the fetal position, emit a high pitched wail and wait until a woman removes the creature. What I have realized is spiders do not manage to make it through the door as quickly as all the other horrific beasties that are setting up shop in our vaulted ceilings. Perhaps this is why my husband grunts and/or shrugs when I point out a moth, a fly or even a rogue flying beetle. All of his fear and hatred is directed at spiders. There is none left to assign to other creepy crawlies.

So, I’ve devised a plan. I will cut out hundreds of little black spiders on construction paper, procure a very, very tall ladder, and stick them all over the ceiling. (While I’m up there, I should probably kill a few moths.) I will then wait for my husband to notice and for him to call a ban on opening any doors. It’s perfectly brilliant.

I begin tomorrow. If you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve fallen off a very, very tall ladder while swatting at flies that are buzzing around my face.

UPDATE: Not two minutes after posting this. I killed a fly that had been buzzing around my face for two hours. I feel that I have done a year’s labor and am able to sleep. Good night.