I don’t remember being a child who lay in the middle of the room kicking and screaming waiting to get her way. I don’t remember throwing my food around the room because I did not want to eat my peas. I don’t ever remember throwing a tantrum, but I must have. I must have, at some point, created a scene in the grocery store or when we were guests at someone’s house. The reason I know I must have thrown tantrums is not only because it just makes sense but because I am instinctively a crier. So, if something wasn’t going my way, I must have screamed, screeched, and wailed.
While I have no memory of ever throwing a tantrum, I do know that I am often very tempted to throw a tantrum as a 31 year-old when something doesn’t go my way. A good, old fashioned, kicking and screaming kind of tantrum. I just want to lie down in Toys ‘R Us and demand that I get both Malibu Barbie and Skipper because it’s only fair.
But I’m an adult so such behavior would be unseemly, immature and rather ridiculous. Still, last night I broke down into a tantrum like state. Big, uncontrollable tears rolled down my face and I began to hyperventilate and my body started to convulse. The picture of that is rather ridiculous, but I was not actually throwing a tantrum. What I was doing was mourning the loss of something. You see I knew I was not going to get what I wanted and the truth is you can’t always get what you want. Nor should you. But sometimes I just wish it was a bit easier.
I was a loved and adored child, but I was denied things. As a child, I didn’t always get what I wanted and that has been no different in adulthood. What struck me is I can’t remember the things I was denied as a child. The decisions my parents made in raising me were the right ones. As a teenager and a college student there was profound injustice in not always getting what you want, but those things denied to me have made me the person I am.
In our first year of marriage, I have not always gotten what I wanted and my husband has not either. We are working on living a life in which we are good stewards of what we have been given. It’s pretty hard at times, but I know it’s better this way.